New Year’s Resolutions of the Rich and Famous

The new year is nearly upon us, and it’s time for all of us to make our New Year’s resolutions.  Lose some weight.  Stop smoking.  Give more to charity.  Get organized.  Get out of debt.  All of that stuff.

Here at, though, we wondered what those in the sporting world might resolve to do in 2012.  So we sent one of our interns out to ask around, and here’s what he learned.

Tim Tebow, Denver Broncos:  “I resolve to stop making Jesus Christ look like an amateur miracle worker.”

Gary Bettman, commissioner, NHL:  “I resolve to get a little more proactive about this whole concussion thing that’s going on in my league before we run out of star players.”

Andrew Luck, Stanford:  “I resolve to win more games for the Indianapolis Colts than Curtis Painter did.”

Barry Bonds:  “I resolve to teach kids not to use steroids and to always cooperate with the police, because cheating and lying never pay.  Well, just as soon as I’m done serving these 30 days of home confinement in my six-bedroom, ten-bathroom mansion with a gym and a swimming pool.  Oh, and I have to pay a $4,000 fine.  Does anyone have change for a $1 million bill?  That’s all I have on me right now.”

Albert Pujols hits a home run.

Albert Pujols, Anaheim Angels:  “I resolve to stop acting like I care what St. Louis Cardinals fans think.  I’m rich!  Who cares about those crybaby peasants?”

Ryan Braun, Milwaukee Brewers:  “I resolve to not use performance-enhancing … wait … Bonds got what?!  That’s it?!  Well then, I resolve to hit 150 home runs this season!  And I’m not giving back my NL MVP trophy, either, suckers!”

Mike Leach, Washington State:  “I resolve that my first order of business in Pullman will be to get rid of those horrid all-grey uniforms.”

Randy Edsall, Maryland:  “I resolve to burn these abominations, too.”

Kobe Bryant subs out vs the Washington Wizards.

Ndamukong Suh, Detroit Lions:  “I resolve to get some anger control counseling.  And if you believe that, I will (expletive) sucker-punch your (expletive) lights out, you (expletive) piece of (expletive) (expletive) (expletive)!”

Rodney Erickson, president, Penn State:  “I resolve to hire an entirely female coaching staff for our football program from now on.”

Robert Griffin III, Baylor:  “I resolve to avoid the pitfall of Heisman Trophy winners amounting to nothing in the NFL.  I resolve to be more like Cam Newton and less like … well … pretty much everyone else lately.”

Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers:  “I resolve to do a better job of keeping it in my pants.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I just resolve to marry a dumber woman next time.  This Vanessa chick has really cramped my style.”

BREAKING NEWS:  Here at, we just discovered that all of these quotes are a complete figment of that intern’s imagination.  Rest assured, we take that kind of thing seriously here.  That intern has been fined $4.00 and forced to remain at Barry Bonds’ mansion for 30 days.

That’ll teach him.